R​.​I​.​P. Bonerking [Single]

by Alex Mercuri

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As Morus Alba was placing the finishing touches on the Adultnescent EP, history was made one sunny afternoon. Local hip-hop superstars Matty Fre$h and Superbowl Champion broke into the recording studio, held engineer Mr. Palau at gunpoint, and demand he produce their next single. Quickly improvising out of fear for his sweet sweet life, Palau gave the two handsome scofflaws the backing track for "MDMA Pt. 2", and Matty Fre$h and Superbowl Champion did what they did best--sing, hoot, and holler about boners for about 4 straight minutes. (A bonus tidbit for you sharp-eared fans at home: towards the end, you hear SBC flipping off Marcel, lead singer of Morus Alba.) These two rappers were never seen or heard from again, but their legacy lives on in the twinkle of the eye experiencing his first boner. Mine was in church.

On the B-side, Writer/Comedian/Musician/Dick-Of-All-Trades Alex Mercuri performs a dramatic reading of his critically-acclaimed (If you count over 400 views on Funny Or Die as being "critically-acclaimed") essay "Regarding Handjobs" over Morus Alba's epic ballad "Anne". The results are as funny as they are tear-inducing, which is to say moderately.

For more of Alex's comedic and potentially libelous essays about semen, sitcoms, hip-hop, and Mitt Romney, go to

alex-mercuri.tumblr.com
or
twitter.com/alexmercuri

credits

released April 18, 2013

Morus Alba - Backing Track to #1 (MDMA Pt. 2)
Mr. Palau - Engineer
Alex Mercuri aka Superbowl Champion
Matt Williams aka Matty Fre$h

dedicated to the memory of Mr. Palau

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Mulberry Sound Recordings New Jersey

Mulberry Sound was founded by Marcel Rudin of Morus Alba and Timothy Erbach of Perennial Reel as a communal outlet and showcase for the music of Hudson County. The scene - eclectic, precocious, incestuous, prolific - exists as a multitude of bands, solo artists, and fleeting projects with fluid borders where collaboration and cross-pollination are king. ... more

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Track Name: R.I.P. Bonerking (Feat. Matty Fre$h & Superbowl Champion)
uh uh uh oh yea girl don't you the feeling
of my boner
(oh my boner)
oh my boner
oh my bo-o-o-o-ner
(in my balls in my balls tonight)
with ma butt and ma bona and my friends
sweet bonas and ma boner is in my balls
bo-o-o-o-o-ner bo-o-ners
(no, boners)

boners
in boner and my heart and ma soul
bo-o-o-ners boners
(boners in the evenin' time)
when I open ma butt and I scream
the mornin' cries for ma boner
(broken boners in the sunset, broken boners in the sunset)
tears of my children, and my boner
as I cry in my boner town
(boner town)
boner, boner,
boner town USA, boner town
god bless my bonuhhr
boner, tonight!

boner (oooeeeoooo)
boners
(boners)
boners
(boners)
boners
(boners)
boners
(boners)
in my balls tonight

[banter about bonas]

da boner police
da boner police
they comin' to ya house 'cuz they gotta police
da boner police
da boner police
they arrestin you with our cocks and boners

boner
(boner)
boner
(boner)
boner
(boner)
boner
in my boner, oh
(boner)
boner
(boners)
bonerville USA
Boner University is where I'm graduating from
and I major in pussynomics

[2012, bona-bonarific, stop Kony]
Track Name: Regarding Annejobs
Allow me to preface this by saying that I have never received a handjob.

Wanna know why?

Because any woman who was ever intimate enough with me to give me a handjob respected and cared about me more than that.

Look, man. Sex can be the purest expression of intimacy, trust, and love between two or more consenting human beings. Fuckin’ TRY to describe a handjob as any of those. A handjob doesn’t even SOUND sexy! I mean there are plenty of unsexy euphemisms for sex out there and those ones are my favorites. But look:

YOU: So grandpa, how’s retirement treatin’ ya?

YOUR GRANDPA: You know, model-makin’, hwittlin’, yer grandma’s been makin me tend the herb garden, just little handjobs here ‘n’ thar to pass th’ time!
Fuck your Mark Twain-ass grandpa’s name for a loveless, hateful sex act.

A handjob is always, like, Plan C. No man seeks out a handjob; no woman plans on giving a handjob. A handjob is “my roommate is awake and the walls are thin” or “we’re short on time” or “I want you to know that I’m leaving you, Kirk. Largely due to the fact that your name is fucking KIRK.”

A handjob is always a compromise. “I’m not ready to have sex yet!” “But baby, I’d much rather have an awkward, begrudging sexual experience immediately than wait a little bit!”
Eyes roll.
Pants are unzipped.
No eye contact.
Both parties are anxious to get to the end.
Everyone just resents each other! “Why are you taking so long?” ”Did you seriously just Snapchat me a picture of you making a pouty-face with the caption ‘bored :( entertain meeeee’?” “Well that was a big group Snapchat, I didn’t realize I selected you!”
What does a girl even do once a guy shoots his load? Like, that’s gotta be even more uncomfortable than the actual handjob!

And another thing! Like, why would I want someone else to jerk me off? I’m so good at jerking MYSELF off! Better than this person would be!
It’s like if I’m Rodney Dangerfield and you’re trying to tell me some "no respect" joke your uncle told you. Like, I appreciate that you’re telling me the joke, and it’s very nice, but like, you, me, and everyone around us knows that I’d be doing a better job at telling it. And it’d be rude of you to give them criticism, cuz, like, they’re already doing you a goddamn service with no reward. I do not recommend looking a gift horse in the mouth or the loosely-gripped non-dominant hand.

I just don’t get it, man. Like, if I wanted to have a hand stimulate my shaft, I’d like it to be my own and save everyone the trouble.

NO ONE FUCKING LIKES HANDJOBS I GUESS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY.

Just go down on each other, or have actual sex with each other! Or, like, a nice conversation or something!
You shouldn’t half-ass anything, and you DEFINITELY shouldn’t half-ass the creation of life, the expression of love, and perhaps the most primal instinct we have. Please, for the love of God, show yourself and your partner some respect, and don’t give anymore goddamn handjobs.

One last thing:
I told my best friend Conor that I was writing a thing about handjobs and he suggested the following:

yo
can you put in the fact
that if kevin dillon and matt dillon gave each other handjobs
it would be really gross
So there you have it, folks. Love each other, don’t treat sex like a chore, and enough with the handjobs.